A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
You Might Also Like
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
#growingpains
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?