At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*jazz hands*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages