Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…