A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Clients after you give them your rates
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?