@TheAlexP

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

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@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

@LizHackett

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

@13spencer

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@NichollsTerence

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

@bestestname

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

@Home_Halfway

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram