[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
A “ramification” sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.
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My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Calm down” I suggested.
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath