M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If only
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.