FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
A “ramification” sounds a lot more fun than it actually is.
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.