@jdforshort

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time

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@Mom_Overboard

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@daemonic3

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

@Ygrene

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@TheCamelToe_

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.