[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today
He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?