Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You Might Also Like
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Lassie, get help!
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any