you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*
Priest: And the bride?
Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad