A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.