Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]
Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool