@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

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@itsnashflynn

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

@LittleMissAngr1

Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.

@daemonic3

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@DontDraketheIce

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad