[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.