@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

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@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@ibid78

You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.

@arealliveghost

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@jammiiepants

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

@BoomBoomBetty

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

@gavinmind

“I’m LLLLLLLLLATE!”

– Tony the Tiger’s wife