A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*


[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous


*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!


You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.


my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”


He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.


Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.



– Tony the Tiger’s wife