Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.