A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
As the Lord intended
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”