A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later