A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait