Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.