A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha