@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

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@Marcmywords2

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

@TheFearBoners

Forget the Home Alone parents forgetting their kid. Why the hell do they own a bunch of mannequins?

@biatchppplease

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

@stayathomies

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

@Kimgee8

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

@GuyThe_Guy

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.