A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Squirrels before girls.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
🍞🦆
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
lot going on here, legally speaking.