A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.