A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
You Might Also Like
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Sticker placement is key.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…