Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My life in a nutshell
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016