A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When your parents check you’re ok.
I bet birds love this building.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.