While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
#DesignFail
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Never be a pizza!
Happy Halloween 🎃
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.