@Phook75

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call

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@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

@funderlaw

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@Rollinintheseat

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@thatUPSdude

I love when you’re choking someone and they are all “I can’t breathe”, duh I’m choking you.

@imdaintyaf

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’