A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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Every work meeting this week
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.