A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!