Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
You Might Also Like
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE