A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You Might Also Like
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”