I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say
ME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
i’ve never gotten so mad over a video