A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted