a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.


ME: Because I care.


Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.


When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.


“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.


Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!


Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.


I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.


All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.


“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.