ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.