a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
lmao
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?