A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.