“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You Might Also Like
do what now??
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes