@hermanntrude

A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain

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@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

@hunz74

Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@junejuly12

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@mattgallo123

Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.