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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A repeat offense of a shenanigan is called shenaniganagain
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Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: meet me at 8 sharp
Kid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.