A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences


I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.


For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.


Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.


would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”


This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: