A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
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Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming