@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

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@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@Dani_Feld

I fed the cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

@Social_Mime

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

@Spaziotwat

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@gregbuchanan

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company