@OctopusCaveman

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

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@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@Eagle_Vision

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

@UnFitz

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

@Gupton68

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?