A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
You Might Also Like
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
mechanics be like
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.