@OctopusCaveman

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

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@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@RACarter

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

@KenJennings

If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@jenlaw_11

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.