@OctopusCaveman: A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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@chrisviccaro: You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
@claire_mudie: If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don't think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
@elisemarie91: My mom at 25: Married, one kid Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
@ibid78: "Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?" *flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."