*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
#SaturdayBears
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I created you as mosquito food.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
No, YOUR illiterate.