@AtRichieK

A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.

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@licensedtoverb

Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*

@venmo4feet

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@iwearaonesie

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

@sixfootcandy

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@Fuzzy_sue

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind