[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”