A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer