A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.