I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Women would be better serial killers if they didn’t smile when people mention someone’s been missing
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out