A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes