a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I have a black belt in leather
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When ur friends with white people
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”