a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.