a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog

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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils


*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*


Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.


Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”


My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on


[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life


Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.


Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.


Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.