A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
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therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
being a writer on Twitter:
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The only equipped I am is ill.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.