A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
New mindset, who dis?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.