“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
this is how life feels
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.