@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

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@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@thepunningman

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@Book_Krazy

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

@better_off_dad

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@steeve_again

School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?

Salazar Slytherin: that is true.

School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?

Salazar Slytherin: also true.

School Review Board: *stamp* approved

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha