Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You Might Also Like
As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men
“We’re on our way”
– Gonna arrest them?
“Gonna shut off your internet”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.