@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

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@3sunzzz

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

@zachreinert03

As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment

@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”

@ChicksRule

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

@SommerofMandi

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

@jtswhipped

I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

@ThisAlexStein

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.