“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child