A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.