A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.