Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now