A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.