@VaguelyFunnyDan

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

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@Book_Krazy

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

@DaddyJew

My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.

@WilliamRodgers

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

@HenpeckedHal

If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@carlyken

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now