A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.