@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

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@marinhubka

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@CarolineMoss

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

@PoorEvelyn

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.

@batkaren

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction