A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
all bases covered
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
water it, i dare you
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me