When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
God: I need an Ark built.
*Jesus lowers sunglasses*
Jesus: I Noah guy.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?
Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you