-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food
Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
Born to be mild.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’ll have a whiskey please.
“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”
Sorry, a McWhiskey.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao