I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.