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@jellybnbonanza

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@fowlerism

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

@HomeWithPeanut

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you