WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
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STING: *reads about murder hornets*
[applies for name change]
STING: *reads about the police*
[leaves the country]
There is no cool way to chase after a ping pong ball.
HER: Never use your Elmo voice again
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.